Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
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What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
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She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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