I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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