i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
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What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
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How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize