his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
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He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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