Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
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Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
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I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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