Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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