i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
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Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
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I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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