What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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