This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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