the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
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Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
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A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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