Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
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The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
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A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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