I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
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Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
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Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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