I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
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There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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