I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
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