Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
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He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
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Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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