we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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