there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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