I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
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She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
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Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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