I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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