I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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