In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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