Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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