Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
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The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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