i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
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You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
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Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
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