theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
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Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
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Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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