i think my mom watched the whole time
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
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I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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