did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
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Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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