Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
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It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
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The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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