Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God gave him joint rollers for hands
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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