I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
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Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
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I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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