Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize