I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
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I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
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And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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