Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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