Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
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He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
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We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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