he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
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The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
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The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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