i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
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They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
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Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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