if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
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