I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize