I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
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Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
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If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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