I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize