new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
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I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
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You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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