Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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