I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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