i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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