I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
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