Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
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I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
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yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We are all done wearing pants today
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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