You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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