My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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