I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
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She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
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So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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