I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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